Q: “My romantic and sexual life with my husband has not been very good since I gained weight. When I pressed him about it, he finally admitted that my weight was a problem.
He felt horrible telling me about it, I could tell. He didn’t want me to know, but he just has trouble sleeping with me. He tells me that he still loves me and wants to grow old with me. Is there anything I can do?” - Charlotte M.
There are 3 parts to sex and romance…
#1 – The Physical Part
Sounds like he is in love with you, but not physically attracted to you. Men are so visually oriented, that a woman who has let herself go can turn her husband off similar to how an emotionally detached man turns off a woman.
It’s not going to make me popular to say that, but don’t shoot the messenger. It sounds like he is looking past your physical appearance and seeing your inner beauty. That’s good! But, he’s not sexually turned on because he is probably really visually stimulated.
What’s keeping you from losing the weight? Is it stress? Are you having to do too much? Would it help if he took some of those responsibilities away from you? Are you depressed? If so, have you looked into seeing a counselor?
Talk to each other and try to figure out what you need to do to help you get healthy. There’s a reason God made us not attracted to overweight and underweight (yes, underweight) people, because it’s a sign of unhealthiness! Find out what the healthy weight is for your height and strive to get in that range. It will help you live longer and be much happier.
Being overweight doesn’t make you any less of a person, or make you any less worthy of love. Please don’t misunderstand me! But, being overweight is almost always a SYMPTOM of a deeper problem. Overeating is a definite addiction, and addictions are our ways of trying to treat problems in a destructive way. Whether it be, anorexia, bulemia, or overeating, eating disorders are serious.
#2 – The Spiritual Part
That said, try reading the bible and praying together every night. Allow God to be what brings you together. If you can get to the point where sex is an act of worship to God and an act of intimacy both to each other, but also with God, you’ll see a complete change. I know it may sound crazy, but allowing God to be a part of your sex life is one of the most amazing things you can do. Remember, sex is symbolic of the intimacy that God wants with us, and the type of intimacy that we will all have in heaven!
Society has warped sex and made it seem dirty, something we want to hide from God. But, sex is beautiful, something God created. And society has focused on all the physical aspects of sex instead of the spiritual. Without the spiritual, all you are left with is “technique” which eventually gets old.
Reading the bible and praying together every night (without fail) will do more for your intimacy than anything else you can do.
#3 – The Emotional Part
The other part of sex is the emotional intimacy that we share. If I were to guess, I would guess that he isn’t being completely emotionally open to you. It’s hard for most guys to allow themselves to be completely vulnerable.
Try to get him to open up in this way (good luck). If he will expose to you his deepest fears and hurts, all the things that he tries so hard to hide, it will create such an intimate bond between you that sex and romance becomes completely new. When he becomes vulnerable to you and you support, comfort, and heal him, that emotional intimacy leads to a deeper sexual attraction.
But, in order for that to happen, he has to be willing to open up. If he truly loves you and is willing to do whatever it takes to heal your relationship, then he’ll do it. If not, then the problem is his, not yours!
“Bouncing your eyes”
Now, if you are in the healthy weight range and he still thinks you are too big, then he has a problem. So many men get manipulated by TV, movies, and porn that women should look a certain way. That’s not natural. Men are naturally attracted to a healthy weight, at least they should be.
If that’s the case, he needs to read “Every Man’s Battle”. A great book. He needs to not allow his eyes or thoughts to spend time on other women. He should “starve his eyes” and not allow himself to see any attractive women on TV or in print ads, on the side of the street, etc. This will cause natural sexual energy to build up and will cause him to look at you in a very different way.
When we spend time looking at or thinking about women, we use up sexual energy. That’s why guys want to look at pretty ladies. That is sexual energy that isn’t there to be used for you when the time comes.
The problem is that women dress very immodestly in our culture so it’s impossible to avoid it. He’ll have to keep from looking at anyone and “bounce his eyes” off of TV, ads, etc. constantly.
It’s radical, but so is Christianity. Marriages are the second most important thing in the world, so you do whatever you have to do to protect them!
If anyone is interested, I wrote more on this in a blog post titled “Am I Too Ugly to Attract Guys?”
Good things are ahead! There is definitely hope!