How to Get Out of the “Friend Zone”!

Q: How do I get out of the friend zone?” - Multiple Readers

A: This is the question literally millions of guys are asking right now. Unfortunately, the answer is not what you want to hear.

I go about it in much more detail in my book, but the only way to escape the friend zone is to move on (but stick with me here!). As long as you are in love with her, she will never have feelings for you. You MUST move on! You almost certainly have her up on a pedestal and have an unhealthy level of obsession with her.

Insecurity is what creates the “friend zone”. That insecurity causes one party to latch onto the other. And insecurity is what pushes the other one away.

Women want a secure man. They want a man who doesn’t need them, but wants them anyway. Jerks often look like they fit this role (which is why women are attracted to them), when in reality they are just jerks.

"Hey, I'm calling to complain about the jerk that I'm dating instead of you."

“Hey, I’m just calling to complain about the jerk that I decided to date instead of you.”

This is what happens:

  1. A guy desperately wants a girlfriend (like most every guy).
  2. But, he’s too insecure to ask any girls out so he hasn’t gone on many dates.
  3. Then, a girl becomes his friend and he sees this as his opportunity.
  4. He secretly hopes someday this friendship will turn into a relationship because he doesn’t know any other way to get a girlfriend. If this doesn’t work, he feels he has no chance of getting a girlfriend. All his eggs are in her basket. (REALLY not a good metaphor!)
  5. Because he has been so desperate for so long, she is like water to a man aching of thirst in the desert. He puts her on a pedestal and idolizes her. His feelings for her are much stronger than they should be. It feels real to him, but it isn’t. He’ll never be convinced otherwise.
  6. This insecurity and neediness is very unattractive to the girl and has kept her from having romantic feelings from the start. But he’s nice and makes a great friend! He’s “safe”.

Sound familiar?

"What are you? Some kind of magician???"

“How did you know? Are you some kind of magician???”

The key to escaping the friend zone is to get to a place in your life where you aren’t desperate for a girlfriend anymore and you aren’t hanging all your hopes on this one method to get into a relationship.

You need to start dating!

Stop thinking of dating as a big deal, because it’s not. Dating is not a commitment. It’s a way for you to get to know people better.

Dating is easy! In case you haven’t read it, here is the Secret to Getting Lots of Dates (Easily!) post I wrote a while back.

Once you go through the 70 date challenge, you will be a new man. I PROMISE you! You HAVE to break the cycle, and the way to do that is to stop being desperate. Once dating becomes easy and you have a bunch of different prospects, your outlook will change drastically!

And trust me, women will notice! If the girl you are hung up on is the one God has for you, then she’ll be worth the wait. Once you move on and start becoming the secure man God wants you to be, her feelings about you may change, but only if it’s God’s will. Most likely, God has someone even better for you!

But, she’s perfect!

I think that in every relationship, as each person grows closer to each other, they start growing LIKE one another. That’s why you’ll see old couples that seem almost like the same person. They even start looking alike.

Okay, well, not every couple.

…there are exceptions.

Think about it. When you like someone, their attributes become very attractive to you. Things you wouldn’t normally care about or that might even annoy you become cute and adorable. Things they expose you to that you might not have loved before, you will start to really like it. Those things are associated with him/her, so consequently, you like them!

The things you have in common grow and the things you don’t are squelched. (This is one of the many reasons it’s so important not to settle!)

If the relationship is one-sided, then the one who is in love will start growing to be more like the other. But, the one who is NOT in love won’t. So, what you end up with is a person (usually a man) who feels like he is in love with the perfect girl.

No, she’s not perfect. You have just grown into someone who thinks she’s perfect.

How many of the things that you think are so perfect about her were on your “things I’m attracted to” list before you met her? I’m sure there are sooo many things that you “didn’t even know you wanted” until you met her. Right?



Also, you are seeing the world through her point of view. Almost everyone looks good when you see their point of view! We unfairly judge almost everyone we meet. Everyone has a reason behind everything they do. Once you know that reason, your opinion about them almost always changes!

Plus, one of the reasons you think they are so good is that they were so nice to you when other girls/guys were pretty cold. Well, it’s very likely that many of those girls who were so cold to you were protecting you by not leading you on. Something your “best friend” who you are in love with wasn’t forward thinking enough to do.

And don’t forget, one of the most important qualities in your future husband/wife is that they fully appreciate you. If he/she doesn’t find you attractive, then they don’t have one of the most important qualities. That alone makes them far from perfect!

Now, it is possible that you have no problem getting dates and just happen to have such high standards that she really is the only girl who meets them. That does happen on occasion. If so, and you are dedicated to following God’s plan for your life first and foremost, then God is probably protecting you because either the timing isn’t right or because He has someone better for you and He knows that if you both liked each other there’d be no stopping you!

If you aren’t dedicated to God’s plan first and foremost, then you are basing your chances on luck. And that’s a pretty scary thing to do! :-/

If that’s the case…good luck!

I don’t want to sound like too much of an advertisment, but if you really struggle with girls being attracted to you then you REALLY need to read my book. It’s all the info you’ve been seeking! You can read the first 3 chapters for free here.

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- Jim Graham
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