Am I Too Ugly to Attract Guys?

Q: I’m a teenager and I think I have a pretty face, but I am really skinny, flat chested and no butt. Would any boys ever be attracted to me?” - Sheila B.

A:First off, Sheila, I think it’s important to note that all girls at your age are self-conscious about their bodies. Even the ones you think are perfect looking worry about their looks.

Secondly, as hard as it is to hear, you are just a teenager and your serious dating days are a few years ahead of you. You are not the person you are going to be in your early 20’s. People go through a huge change, both physically and mentally, around the end of their freshman year of college (curves could still be in your future). The guys you are attracted to now will likely be very different than the guys you will be attracted to in a few years. And the kind of guys who are attracted to you now will be different than the guys who are attracted to you in a few years.

I’m not saying that dating isn’t important. Even dating in high school can help you learn things about yourself, about guys, and about relationships that can help you later on. But, don’t put too much importance on it. Use this time to have fun and date casually. Date all kinds of guys and don’t feel pressure to get serious or physical with any of them.

Will anyone be attracted to you?

The easy answer is yes. Not all guys are attracted to curvy girls. Guys are attracted to all sorts of things. The fact that you have a pretty face is a huge advantage. The face is the most important part to any guy who isn’t just looking for sex. It’s true that some types of girls are going to attract more guys than others. That’s not always a good thing, though.

Looks are extremely important to guys. Depending on how you look, you might have a bunch of guys wanting to be with you or they might be few and far between. I know that it’s very painful to be one of the girls who don’t get much attention, but there is someone out there for you who will think you are beautiful. I promise!

The danger is for girls who don’t get much attention to become desperate. Worse yet, they start showing cleavage and dressing immodestly to get male attention. This is very bad! If a guglyuy starts showing you attention, be extremely cautious! Many guys out there prey on less attractive girls because they consider them “easy”. These guys will hurt and abuse you! Don’t settle for a guy just because he is showing you attention. Refuse to give in to his advances. Take it slow! If he really likes you for you he will believe you are worth waiting for. As much as you may want to give in, trust me, it’s not worth it! He will take a part of you, break it, and leave you scarred. Nothing is worth that pain!

Things you can do

While your looks may (although I doubt it in your case) put you at a disadvantage with guys who are only looking for a “hottie” to hook up with, it helps you weed out the genuine guys from the “hottie hunters”. In the long run, nice guys are the ones you want to marry.

I realize that finding a nice guy who isn’t a weenie is difficult. What you need to do is get your nice guy friends a copy of my book. You’ll find an ad for it at the bottom of this post. Men today have become either jerks or weenies and there doesn’t seem to be anything in-between. That’s sad. But, there’s a cure. Give a copy to as many guys as you can!

To say that looks don’t matter is incorrect. Looks are important in the beginning. They are what initially catches the eye of prospective suitors. I’m not saying you have to be drop dead gorgeous, but the way you look says a lot about you. You need to be aware of what you are communicating! The good news is that natural looks are just one part of it, and the rest of it you can do something about.

Control your weight

One of the biggest turnoffs to most guys is fat. (I’m not talking about women who are slightly overweight, I’m talking about literally obese women.) The good news is that this is something that is, believe it or not, controllable. I realize that weight is a very sensitive issue and many women struggle with it and see it as a lost cause.

If you just can’t lose weight, then it is almost certainly because you haven’t fixed the root cause. Overeating is an addiction and a very serious one. The first thing you need to do is go to a counselor and start some kind of a 12 step program. Take it seriously. Overeating is a symptom of a much bigger problem, one that needs to be dealt with.

You also need to get rid of stress in your life. The stress hormones make your body collect fat. Simplify your life and get some exercise. The most important part of exercise is not burning calories (it doesn’t burn many calories at all) but instead reducing stress.

Diets don’t work because they are extremes. Instead of short term bursts of unsustainable diets, learn how to eat in a healthy way. Learn portion control and eat slowly. You will be really surprised how little it takes to satisfy your hunger when you eat slowly. And stay away from simple carbohydrates.

Losing fat is a long term goal, don’t expect short term solutions. In the future I will share the “lazy person’s weight loss plan”. Be on the lookout for it!

On the flip side, guys don’t want a skeleton either. Despite what magazines would have you believe, most guys aren’t attracted to anorexic girls. We are bred to be attracted to healthy weight girls. Find out what the healthy weight for your height is and make that your goal.

Proper hygiene

Hygiene is a must. No guy is going to be attracted to a girl with bad hygiene. Shower daily, take care of your skin, use deodorant, brush your teeth twice a day, etc. The problem is that most people who have poor hygiene don’t realize it. So, regardless of how good your hygiene is, find someone whom you trust and who attracts a lot of guys and ask them to tell you honestly if there’s anything you can do to improve your hygiene. Don’t ask them if you have bad hygiene or they’ll likely lie to make you feel better. But, if you ask for ways you can improve your hygiene that allows them to give you constructive criticism.

Take care of your skin

Acne and other blemishes are a natural part of growing up, but if you haven’t gone to a dermatologist, then I strongly suggest you go. They may or may not be able to clear up your skin completely, but they can definitely make a big difference. Even if you don’t have acne, they can help advise you on how to keep your skin beautiful and soft.

One of the biggest secrets to amazing skin (and skin is very important!) is to always apply lotion to your body immediately after bathing. Lotion will lock in that moisture and over time your skin will start to become irresistible! (I’m talking unbelievable skin here!)

Put effort into how you look

Don’t just give up. Many girls you think are perfect looking don’t look that great when they wake up. But, they spend a lot of time in the morning making themselves look as good as possible. Don’t just tell yourself “looks aren’t important” and use it as an excuse to not put the effort in.

The truth is that, most likely, you do care deep inside and suffer from the pain of not feeling ‘good enough’. That’s not healthy. If you really want to catch the eye of guys and communicate to them that you are socially aware and care enough to make yourself look nice, then take the time to make yourself look as nice as possible.

Learn style

It is incredible what the right make-up, clothes, and accessories can do! Do a lot of research and learn about your body type and what you can do to choose clothes that accentuate your best features and hide your least attractive ones. Learn how to do the same with make-up. There’s a lot to learn, and it will take practice, but it’s well worth the effort!

If you don’t put in the effort, you are communicating to guys that you give up. And that’s one of the most unattractive things you can communicate. Guys don’t want to be with someone who has given up.

Be confident

Regardless of how you look, you need to have confidence. If you don’t believe you are attractive, guys won’t either. Women who are desperate are very unattractive to guys. You need to believe you are good enough for any guy who comes around and that you refuse to settle. Women have no idea how strongly they communicate their desperation and insecurity.

You deserve someone special, and should hold out and say no until you find someone special enough to deserve you. Fake it till you make it! It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Work on your personality

Looks only last for a short while, then it’s your personality that people are attracted to. There are less attractive girls who have guys all over them, and the reason for this is their personality. If you are having trouble attracting guys, it’s most likely because of your personality and not your looks. Less attractive women tend to become bitter and/or desperate and that shows.

Smile! The least attractive thing you can do is not smile. Smile, don’t be afraid to go up to guys and talk to them. Show them that you care about what they have to say. Connect with people. Love life! Be forgiving. Make the room light up when you come in!

I realize that’s easier said than done. But, again, fake it till you make it. Visualize what the girl you want to be would look like, then act like that girl. Trust me, it won’t take long before you feel that natural part of you coming alive!

Now, some of you are so introverted that there’s just no way you could ever be that social. I still advise you to try it, because many of you will be surprised. But, if you really can’t, that’s okay. You can still connect with people one on one and smile. You can still love life, you just won’t be the center of the party.

If you don’t get rid of that bitterness you’ll never attract the right kind of guy.

Now, if you have an abrasive personality, that’s a separate issue. You might be controlling, shrill, selfish, loud and obnoxious, etc. which can really turn people off. Now, I’m not suggesting that you change who you are. But, we must all learn and shape our personalities to be more considerate of others and grow to become better people.

I suggest asking someone you can trust to be honest with you for advice on ways you could become more socially adept. Ask for help discovering things you do that turn people off and ways you can become a better person. Then, work hard to grow out of those bad habits.

Bottom line

While I seriously doubt you’ll have any problem attracting guys, Sheila, there are girls out there who do struggle with it. If you are one of those girls, there’s no reason to feel hopeless. Do the best you can, and eventually you will find someone who God made just for you. And you can’t do any better than that!

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- Jim Graham
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